Three Relationship Skills Worth Learning
Saturday May 2, 2009 - Near I-25 and Hampden
10am to 4pm Cost $39 Includes Lunch
Register by calling 303-273-5589
· Would you like to be smarter and savvier where relationships are concerned whether romantic, family, work or friendship?
· Would you like to know how to get what you want in your relationships without selling out?
· Would you like to know why people do what they do and why some seem so weird and illogical or emotional?
· Would you like to learn three relationship intelligences/skills that once learned will increase your RQ and make your relationships more satisfying and joyful?
In this seminar, you will learn about relationship intelligence and how to increase yours. You will also learn what you can do in specific situations to improve a particular relationship while learning how this skill can expand to all your relationships. Call today to register or for more information. 303-273-5589
Thursday, April 2, 2009
More On Relationship Intelligence - RQ
Landing in High Cotton
When I was a kid growing up in South Carolina and then Georgia people would say, “He’s landed in high cotton” when someone was successful in his or her life. This was the land of cotton farming and if your cotton was high then you were doing well. Of course being a curious person I wondered why some people’s cotton was high and white and some couldn't seem to produce a good crop come hell or high water. Was one person simply luckier than others or was there more to it than that?
One of my uncles was a cotton farmer and I paid attention to what he did and said as I grew up. What I noticed with him was he did the work of tending his farm and did not rely on luck or mother nature. What he let me see was that in most cases there is a lot more to success in life, whether it’s cotton farming or having great relationships, than just being lucky. In fact, what I found when I thought about it was that these two things have a lot in common.
The cotton farmer takes farming seriously. He studies his craft. He looks at other successful cotton farmers and sees what has worked for them and what has not. He chooses the right environment – you don’t see cotton farms in places where it’s too cold or too dry like Colorado or New Mexico. He makes sure he has the best seed available and he plants his seed in a good field, one that has not been over planted or leached of all its’ top soil. He then fertilizes it with the right nutrients and if necessary he uses an irrigation system when nature does not cooperate with enough rain. Once the little seedlings begin to burst through the soil he goes out with his hoe and digs out the weeds. He also walks his fields on a daily basis to make sure no pests such as boll weevils have taken over and if he sees evidence he immediately begins a process to rid his precious little plants of this evil.
Well, a relationship is not that different than being a good cotton farmer. If you want a great relationship, whether we are talking about a romantic one, a friendship or a work related one here are some things to consider:
· Study successful relationships – figure out what makes them great and learn how to do those things yourself.
· Choose the right environment – different people thrive in different environments so plant yourself in the right environment for you and you will meet other people like you – city people like other city people – country people like country people, sports types like other sports types – culture types like culture types and so on. Find the environment that feeds your soul and you will find like minded people there who will want to create relationships with you.
· Make sure the seeds you are planting will produce the kind of fruit you desire. If you want long-term relationships, whether this is romantic, friendship or work, make sure you plant seeds that produce that kind of relationship. If you keep planting annuals when you want perennials, then I don’t think you’ll be happy. You also need to screen the seeds you use – not every person you come in contact with will produce the kind of relationship you want so make sure you sort through these people before you go out to your field and start planting.
· Planting in the right field means not picking someone or a place to work where the track record of that person or organization is iffy. If the person has lots of failed relationships or the company is a dinosaur meaning it has not re-tooled in a long time and is simply living on it’s past reputation and is no longer moving forward then these are probably not good fields in which to plant your seeds.
· Like the farmer, once you have planted your seeds you need to tend and maintain the relationship. What this means is that you pay daily attention to it. This could mean all kinds of things from a ritual of checking in with each other at the beginning and ending of each day. It could mean making sure you note any conflicts that seem to be brewing in your work or friendships. It also means that you tend the relationships you have by feeding them the nutrients they need to flourish. You would not feed a cotton plant the same kind of fertilizer you’d feed a tomato plant and relationships are no different. But unlike a cotton plant, a relationship is with a living breathing human being and this actually makes it easier since you can simply ask them what they need in order to bear fruit for you.
· Tending the relationship also means that you must be on the lookout for infestations of negativity and dissatisfaction. If one is not tending the relationship on a daily basis this kind of thing can go unnoticed for a long time and then one day you see that the relationship is sick and in some cases, terminal. This is why the farmer does not plant his seeds, fertilize them, set the irrigation system on automatic and then go on a long summer vacation. He knows it takes constant attention and care to bring his cotton into full bloom so his yield will be great.
What all this means is that if you want to be in high cotton think of yourself as a farmer who is planting a relationship field with the right seed, in the right field, with the right nutrients and fertilizer and who is dedicated to tending and maintaining it. With these few simply ideas learned from watching my uncle the cotton farmer, your relationship will grow and prosper year after year and you will be in high cotton in no time. Happy Relationship Tending!
Blessings, Lorraine
When I was a kid growing up in South Carolina and then Georgia people would say, “He’s landed in high cotton” when someone was successful in his or her life. This was the land of cotton farming and if your cotton was high then you were doing well. Of course being a curious person I wondered why some people’s cotton was high and white and some couldn't seem to produce a good crop come hell or high water. Was one person simply luckier than others or was there more to it than that?
One of my uncles was a cotton farmer and I paid attention to what he did and said as I grew up. What I noticed with him was he did the work of tending his farm and did not rely on luck or mother nature. What he let me see was that in most cases there is a lot more to success in life, whether it’s cotton farming or having great relationships, than just being lucky. In fact, what I found when I thought about it was that these two things have a lot in common.
The cotton farmer takes farming seriously. He studies his craft. He looks at other successful cotton farmers and sees what has worked for them and what has not. He chooses the right environment – you don’t see cotton farms in places where it’s too cold or too dry like Colorado or New Mexico. He makes sure he has the best seed available and he plants his seed in a good field, one that has not been over planted or leached of all its’ top soil. He then fertilizes it with the right nutrients and if necessary he uses an irrigation system when nature does not cooperate with enough rain. Once the little seedlings begin to burst through the soil he goes out with his hoe and digs out the weeds. He also walks his fields on a daily basis to make sure no pests such as boll weevils have taken over and if he sees evidence he immediately begins a process to rid his precious little plants of this evil.
Well, a relationship is not that different than being a good cotton farmer. If you want a great relationship, whether we are talking about a romantic one, a friendship or a work related one here are some things to consider:
· Study successful relationships – figure out what makes them great and learn how to do those things yourself.
· Choose the right environment – different people thrive in different environments so plant yourself in the right environment for you and you will meet other people like you – city people like other city people – country people like country people, sports types like other sports types – culture types like culture types and so on. Find the environment that feeds your soul and you will find like minded people there who will want to create relationships with you.
· Make sure the seeds you are planting will produce the kind of fruit you desire. If you want long-term relationships, whether this is romantic, friendship or work, make sure you plant seeds that produce that kind of relationship. If you keep planting annuals when you want perennials, then I don’t think you’ll be happy. You also need to screen the seeds you use – not every person you come in contact with will produce the kind of relationship you want so make sure you sort through these people before you go out to your field and start planting.
· Planting in the right field means not picking someone or a place to work where the track record of that person or organization is iffy. If the person has lots of failed relationships or the company is a dinosaur meaning it has not re-tooled in a long time and is simply living on it’s past reputation and is no longer moving forward then these are probably not good fields in which to plant your seeds.
· Like the farmer, once you have planted your seeds you need to tend and maintain the relationship. What this means is that you pay daily attention to it. This could mean all kinds of things from a ritual of checking in with each other at the beginning and ending of each day. It could mean making sure you note any conflicts that seem to be brewing in your work or friendships. It also means that you tend the relationships you have by feeding them the nutrients they need to flourish. You would not feed a cotton plant the same kind of fertilizer you’d feed a tomato plant and relationships are no different. But unlike a cotton plant, a relationship is with a living breathing human being and this actually makes it easier since you can simply ask them what they need in order to bear fruit for you.
· Tending the relationship also means that you must be on the lookout for infestations of negativity and dissatisfaction. If one is not tending the relationship on a daily basis this kind of thing can go unnoticed for a long time and then one day you see that the relationship is sick and in some cases, terminal. This is why the farmer does not plant his seeds, fertilize them, set the irrigation system on automatic and then go on a long summer vacation. He knows it takes constant attention and care to bring his cotton into full bloom so his yield will be great.
What all this means is that if you want to be in high cotton think of yourself as a farmer who is planting a relationship field with the right seed, in the right field, with the right nutrients and fertilizer and who is dedicated to tending and maintaining it. With these few simply ideas learned from watching my uncle the cotton farmer, your relationship will grow and prosper year after year and you will be in high cotton in no time. Happy Relationship Tending!
Blessings, Lorraine
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A Change in the Finding and keeping the Love of Your LIfe Class
I have gotten some requests by men to be included in my class on Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life - I will therefore revamp the class and present it at a later date. Keep posted here. Lorraine
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Seven Dating Detours Women Take on the Road to True Love and Commitment
Shakespeare once said, “The road to true love never did run smooth’, but that doesn’t mean we have to contribute to the bumpy ride ourselves. What I find as a therapist working with singles is that women often make serious dating mistakes and then wonder what happened. I call these detours and have identified the seven most common ones.
#1. Discounting the role of biology and hard wiring in our dating behaviors. We have come along way baby, but we are still ruled by our hormones and our biology. What this means is that men are hardwired to do certain things and so are women. We can make intellectual decisions to do it differently, but these decisions are often sabotaged by our basic nature. Now does this mean that women are relegated to the home, while the man goes out and brings home the bacon? No, not by a long shot, but it does mean that women are receptive and men are proactive. In the dating world, this means he makes the call and you decide whether to answer the call. In other words, he pursues and you choose. He has the power to “go after what he wants” and you have the power “to choose what you want.” This is equal power in my book.
#2. Miscalculating the high value men put on the respect they get from you as part of the decision to commit to a relationship with you. Yes, men are sexual beings and this is certainly important to them; but when I work with divorced men, I rarely hear them say they got divorced due to sexual issues. More often than not it has more to do with how the woman treated him and whether she respected and valued him as a man. So in choosing a man to date, choose one you can and do respect and value, and then let him know this by your attitude and actions toward him.
#3 Choosing a Fixer Upper. Men are not do-it-yourself projects. This goes along with detour number two. If a woman does not respect and value a man as he is from date one, then going out with him and attempting to “fix him” is a major detour. Now I’m not saying that a woman can’t influence a man to change some things about himself--she probably can, but be careful that these are not character or value laden things. If he is not an ethical and moral man, then nothing you do will change this. If has addictions or a history of infidelity or career problems or emotional issues of long standing, then these are what he comes with and will leave with. Don’t go there-- meaning, don’t start a relationship with a man unless you respect him right away. As for things you may be able to change--I have seen women who were able to get a man to improve his image in terms of his clothes. I have seen women who have been able to introduce a man to more cultural things, and I have seen women who have helped a man enlarge his vocabulary or eat a well-balanced diet, but those are about it. Most of the time, what you see is what you get.
#4. Having sex before a committed relationship is established. This is probably the biggest and sometimes the most difficult detour to get out of once it happens. Here are the pitfalls: Men can have sex without commitment fairly easily. They can certainly have it without love. For many men, sex and a relationship do not necessarily have anything to do with each other. Remember, they are hardwired to pursue attractive women, women they can mate with – this is a biological urge. This urge does not make them bad people, it simply makes them normal men. Women, by the same token, are biologically programmed to find a mate who will stay around and provide for them and the baby that is the natural result of a sexual union. Now I know that some of you are saying, "Yeah, but we have birth control now," or even, "I have had all my kids and so has he, so this should not come into play"--but this is discounting biology and hormones as noted in detour number one. His hormones are urging him to find a willing woman and mate with her. Her hormones are telling her that once she has sex with a guy, bond with him and keep him around. This is because as soon as a woman has sex with a man, her body secretes a bonding chemical called oxytocin. Even if she was not sure about him before she had sex with him, now he takes on a rosy glow fueled by this powerful hormone. She now feels compelled to try and keep him whether he was just having some fun sex with her, he was a fixer-upper, or he simply wasn’t what she had in mind.
#5 Asking men to dance, calling them, sending them emails or cute cards is a waste of your time, if you are interested in a long-term committed relationship. It’s the man’s biological job to pursue the woman. So if he is not in active pursuit of you, then he is either not interested, not ready, or not in your league. Again, I go back to how we are hard wired. Men are hard wired to plant their seed – there is just no better way to say it. If they look at you at a dance or have gone out with you already and they are not actively pursuing you, then they are not interested, or not interested enough, to do what men have been doing since the dawn of time to get you to choose him. Remember, men pursue and women choose. Now once an LTR is established, and you’ll know when this is the case, then you can do all of these things. Until that time comes, this is a big detour. So, unless you want to get stuck on that road for a long time, I would keep myself occupied with other things so I won’t be tempted to make that call or send that email. By the way, this goes for first-time internet meetings as well. Do not send him a thank you email afterward. If he is interested in you, he will call you or email you. This has nothing to do with good manners either, so don’t give me that. When it comes to dating, that rule does not apply.
#6 Talking shop. Most women these days have a job, and many have professional careers. They are successful and when they are at work, they use the rules of work, which by the way, were established a long time ago by men. Work is a male world and women have joined that world and have done quite well in it. But dating is a different world and has different rules. Talking shop, that is, you talking shop, is a turn off to many, if not most men. He himself may do this as a way of impressing you, which is natural,. Remember, he wants you to choose him – but when you talk shop, it throws off the romantic chemistry of dating. He’s looking for what makes you different from him--not what makes you just like him. Also, men by nature, are competitive and when you talk shop this brings out his competitive side. Romance does not bloom in a competitive environment. Now this does not mean that once you are in an LTR that you can’t talk shop with your man, of course you can. If you were not able to do this with him, then one of your important needs would go unmet – so I am not suggesting that you can never talk about your work – but not at the beginning. He needs to fall in love with the mystery of your feminine nature – the Aphrodite in you - not the part of you that is just like him.
#7 Not valuing and validating your own self worth. Men love women who love themselves. Remember, they are competitive and like to win and of course they want to win something of value. If you think you are something special, then so will he. And this goes for women of any age – your value does not go down with age unless you think it does. It also does not go down with statistics. Just because there are other women out there on the dance floor or on his list of potential matches on Internet dating sites, does not decrease your value unless you think it does. If a man does not treat you in a way that feels like he values you, then you need to move on. He is either someone who doesn’t value women and relationships or he has the impression from you that you don’t think much of yourself, and he is just feeding back to you this belief. In this situation it is best to disengage from him and from dating and do some work on your own self worth, and don’t date until you feel really good about yourself.
Now for those of you who who are thinking this does not apply to you or you know someone who has beaten the odds and they are now living happily ever, all I can say is they are the lucky ones. Common sense and statistics tell us that most people on the other hand will fall within the great bell-shaped curve of this dating theory. Most successful women, in terms of finding true love and commitment, know and understand why these seven things are detours. They have gone down the bumpy road to love and have learned some valuable lessons.
They know that men and women are wired differently. They know that they can’t change a guy from a frog to a prince. They know that having sex too soon is a big mistake. They know that if she does not respect him he probably won’t marry her and even if he does they are headed for trouble; that talking shop is a real romance killer; that calling men and being the pursuer is why the book He's Just Not That Into You was such a big seller; and that if she doesn’t put a high value on herself, she can’t expect a man to do it for her.
So the next time you're thinking of taking one of these detours, stop and turn around and go back and re-start your trip. I guarantee you'll be glad you did.
Happy Dating,
Lorraine
Next Month
Seven Dating Off Ramps To Know Where Men Take on the Road to True Love and Committment
#1. Discounting the role of biology and hard wiring in our dating behaviors. We have come along way baby, but we are still ruled by our hormones and our biology. What this means is that men are hardwired to do certain things and so are women. We can make intellectual decisions to do it differently, but these decisions are often sabotaged by our basic nature. Now does this mean that women are relegated to the home, while the man goes out and brings home the bacon? No, not by a long shot, but it does mean that women are receptive and men are proactive. In the dating world, this means he makes the call and you decide whether to answer the call. In other words, he pursues and you choose. He has the power to “go after what he wants” and you have the power “to choose what you want.” This is equal power in my book.
#2. Miscalculating the high value men put on the respect they get from you as part of the decision to commit to a relationship with you. Yes, men are sexual beings and this is certainly important to them; but when I work with divorced men, I rarely hear them say they got divorced due to sexual issues. More often than not it has more to do with how the woman treated him and whether she respected and valued him as a man. So in choosing a man to date, choose one you can and do respect and value, and then let him know this by your attitude and actions toward him.
#3 Choosing a Fixer Upper. Men are not do-it-yourself projects. This goes along with detour number two. If a woman does not respect and value a man as he is from date one, then going out with him and attempting to “fix him” is a major detour. Now I’m not saying that a woman can’t influence a man to change some things about himself--she probably can, but be careful that these are not character or value laden things. If he is not an ethical and moral man, then nothing you do will change this. If has addictions or a history of infidelity or career problems or emotional issues of long standing, then these are what he comes with and will leave with. Don’t go there-- meaning, don’t start a relationship with a man unless you respect him right away. As for things you may be able to change--I have seen women who were able to get a man to improve his image in terms of his clothes. I have seen women who have been able to introduce a man to more cultural things, and I have seen women who have helped a man enlarge his vocabulary or eat a well-balanced diet, but those are about it. Most of the time, what you see is what you get.
#4. Having sex before a committed relationship is established. This is probably the biggest and sometimes the most difficult detour to get out of once it happens. Here are the pitfalls: Men can have sex without commitment fairly easily. They can certainly have it without love. For many men, sex and a relationship do not necessarily have anything to do with each other. Remember, they are hardwired to pursue attractive women, women they can mate with – this is a biological urge. This urge does not make them bad people, it simply makes them normal men. Women, by the same token, are biologically programmed to find a mate who will stay around and provide for them and the baby that is the natural result of a sexual union. Now I know that some of you are saying, "Yeah, but we have birth control now," or even, "I have had all my kids and so has he, so this should not come into play"--but this is discounting biology and hormones as noted in detour number one. His hormones are urging him to find a willing woman and mate with her. Her hormones are telling her that once she has sex with a guy, bond with him and keep him around. This is because as soon as a woman has sex with a man, her body secretes a bonding chemical called oxytocin. Even if she was not sure about him before she had sex with him, now he takes on a rosy glow fueled by this powerful hormone. She now feels compelled to try and keep him whether he was just having some fun sex with her, he was a fixer-upper, or he simply wasn’t what she had in mind.
#5 Asking men to dance, calling them, sending them emails or cute cards is a waste of your time, if you are interested in a long-term committed relationship. It’s the man’s biological job to pursue the woman. So if he is not in active pursuit of you, then he is either not interested, not ready, or not in your league. Again, I go back to how we are hard wired. Men are hard wired to plant their seed – there is just no better way to say it. If they look at you at a dance or have gone out with you already and they are not actively pursuing you, then they are not interested, or not interested enough, to do what men have been doing since the dawn of time to get you to choose him. Remember, men pursue and women choose. Now once an LTR is established, and you’ll know when this is the case, then you can do all of these things. Until that time comes, this is a big detour. So, unless you want to get stuck on that road for a long time, I would keep myself occupied with other things so I won’t be tempted to make that call or send that email. By the way, this goes for first-time internet meetings as well. Do not send him a thank you email afterward. If he is interested in you, he will call you or email you. This has nothing to do with good manners either, so don’t give me that. When it comes to dating, that rule does not apply.
#6 Talking shop. Most women these days have a job, and many have professional careers. They are successful and when they are at work, they use the rules of work, which by the way, were established a long time ago by men. Work is a male world and women have joined that world and have done quite well in it. But dating is a different world and has different rules. Talking shop, that is, you talking shop, is a turn off to many, if not most men. He himself may do this as a way of impressing you, which is natural,. Remember, he wants you to choose him – but when you talk shop, it throws off the romantic chemistry of dating. He’s looking for what makes you different from him--not what makes you just like him. Also, men by nature, are competitive and when you talk shop this brings out his competitive side. Romance does not bloom in a competitive environment. Now this does not mean that once you are in an LTR that you can’t talk shop with your man, of course you can. If you were not able to do this with him, then one of your important needs would go unmet – so I am not suggesting that you can never talk about your work – but not at the beginning. He needs to fall in love with the mystery of your feminine nature – the Aphrodite in you - not the part of you that is just like him.
#7 Not valuing and validating your own self worth. Men love women who love themselves. Remember, they are competitive and like to win and of course they want to win something of value. If you think you are something special, then so will he. And this goes for women of any age – your value does not go down with age unless you think it does. It also does not go down with statistics. Just because there are other women out there on the dance floor or on his list of potential matches on Internet dating sites, does not decrease your value unless you think it does. If a man does not treat you in a way that feels like he values you, then you need to move on. He is either someone who doesn’t value women and relationships or he has the impression from you that you don’t think much of yourself, and he is just feeding back to you this belief. In this situation it is best to disengage from him and from dating and do some work on your own self worth, and don’t date until you feel really good about yourself.
Now for those of you who who are thinking this does not apply to you or you know someone who has beaten the odds and they are now living happily ever, all I can say is they are the lucky ones. Common sense and statistics tell us that most people on the other hand will fall within the great bell-shaped curve of this dating theory. Most successful women, in terms of finding true love and commitment, know and understand why these seven things are detours. They have gone down the bumpy road to love and have learned some valuable lessons.
They know that men and women are wired differently. They know that they can’t change a guy from a frog to a prince. They know that having sex too soon is a big mistake. They know that if she does not respect him he probably won’t marry her and even if he does they are headed for trouble; that talking shop is a real romance killer; that calling men and being the pursuer is why the book He's Just Not That Into You was such a big seller; and that if she doesn’t put a high value on herself, she can’t expect a man to do it for her.
So the next time you're thinking of taking one of these detours, stop and turn around and go back and re-start your trip. I guarantee you'll be glad you did.
Happy Dating,
Lorraine
Next Month
Seven Dating Off Ramps To Know Where Men Take on the Road to True Love and Committment
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I Wish You Love
On my way to work this morning I ran into one of my neighbors, a young man in his mid thirties. He said he was moving and as neighbors do, I asked him where he was moving and he said to a smaller place. He then indicated that his place was too big for one person and that he’d had all these roommates but they kept falling in love and moving out. So I said, "Well that could happen to you too." But he gave me one of those “Been there, done that, never gonna do that again.” answers. So I said, "Come on, you can do that too, fall in love.” and as I walked away I waved and said “I wish you love.” And then I began to softly hum the tune to that old standard - a song that has been recorded by every crooner from Sinatra to Buble. It’s about breaking up but the sentiment is that no matter what, we all need love and even though this relationship didn’t work out the idea is to stay open to love and the next one will.
So that’s my wish for you today. I wish you love whether you are single like my young friend or in a relationship – let the love come in and find you because love is everywhere. It’s in the beautiful Fall day we are having today, the majestic mountains we can see every single day for those of us living here in Colorado, it’s in the smile of a child, it’s that friend that called you the other day just to chat, it’s in that delicious dinner you had last night, it’s in the smooth, clean sheets you put on your bed this morning, it’s in the greeting of a neighbor, even the fact that you have a nice, cozy home to go to tonight after work and it’s in the fact that you have a job or that there are jobs out there if you don’t and it’s only a matter of time until you get one because we live in one of the most prosperous and yes, love filled nation on the planet.
Now these things are not romantic love, but once we open ourselves up to loving who we are, where we live, what we have in our life in terms of material things and who is in our life as friends, family and neighbors we become loving individuals and once this becomes a habit then we attract romantic love to us, I guarantee it.
As for those of you who are saying a silent, yes, but, let me say this, "Just do it!" An old friend once told me, “Fake it till you make it,” and this is good advice for a lot of things, especially love. It’s like a channel opens up the minute you start looking around you for all the things you love. Once you have that channel - I call it the love channel - then love in all its forms begins to flow into it and this of course includes romantic love.
I would also like to remind you to love yourself first and foremost but not in an egotistical or narcissistic way but in a reverent way – we were given life by a force beyond our own doing whether we believe this happened via a religious or spiritual source or not. It didn't happen by our own personal design so having gratitude for it is to have reverence for it, regardless of how it happened. To love ourselves is to love what we’ve been given by that force and to not love ourselves is to denigrate the source of our being.
By the way, if saying you love yourself sounds too grandiose or too egotistical for you or it just feels too prideful then take an inventory of your strengths and view these as your gifts. For most people, valuing and respecting one's gifts is not too difficult. Then if you use these gifts for the betterment of others then love will simply flow toward you – this too I guarantee.
If, on the other hand, you find that none of this makes sense or you feel that you have no gifts or that you are in some way unlovable, then this is the time to seek out some help from a caring professional whether a minister or a therapist. The bottom line in all this is that a loving heart begins with the self and moves outward toward others and if you don’t love yourself it will be difficult, if not impossible to believe that someone else can love you – so begin today to love, respect and value the life you have been given and see what happens. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
Again, I wish you love,
Blessings, Lorraine
So that’s my wish for you today. I wish you love whether you are single like my young friend or in a relationship – let the love come in and find you because love is everywhere. It’s in the beautiful Fall day we are having today, the majestic mountains we can see every single day for those of us living here in Colorado, it’s in the smile of a child, it’s that friend that called you the other day just to chat, it’s in that delicious dinner you had last night, it’s in the smooth, clean sheets you put on your bed this morning, it’s in the greeting of a neighbor, even the fact that you have a nice, cozy home to go to tonight after work and it’s in the fact that you have a job or that there are jobs out there if you don’t and it’s only a matter of time until you get one because we live in one of the most prosperous and yes, love filled nation on the planet.
Now these things are not romantic love, but once we open ourselves up to loving who we are, where we live, what we have in our life in terms of material things and who is in our life as friends, family and neighbors we become loving individuals and once this becomes a habit then we attract romantic love to us, I guarantee it.
As for those of you who are saying a silent, yes, but, let me say this, "Just do it!" An old friend once told me, “Fake it till you make it,” and this is good advice for a lot of things, especially love. It’s like a channel opens up the minute you start looking around you for all the things you love. Once you have that channel - I call it the love channel - then love in all its forms begins to flow into it and this of course includes romantic love.
I would also like to remind you to love yourself first and foremost but not in an egotistical or narcissistic way but in a reverent way – we were given life by a force beyond our own doing whether we believe this happened via a religious or spiritual source or not. It didn't happen by our own personal design so having gratitude for it is to have reverence for it, regardless of how it happened. To love ourselves is to love what we’ve been given by that force and to not love ourselves is to denigrate the source of our being.
By the way, if saying you love yourself sounds too grandiose or too egotistical for you or it just feels too prideful then take an inventory of your strengths and view these as your gifts. For most people, valuing and respecting one's gifts is not too difficult. Then if you use these gifts for the betterment of others then love will simply flow toward you – this too I guarantee.
If, on the other hand, you find that none of this makes sense or you feel that you have no gifts or that you are in some way unlovable, then this is the time to seek out some help from a caring professional whether a minister or a therapist. The bottom line in all this is that a loving heart begins with the self and moves outward toward others and if you don’t love yourself it will be difficult, if not impossible to believe that someone else can love you – so begin today to love, respect and value the life you have been given and see what happens. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
Again, I wish you love,
Blessings, Lorraine
Friday, September 5, 2008
Emotional Maturity & Romantic Attraction
The Two Key Attritubutes of Successful Relationships
About fifteen years ago I read this really cool book called The Love Test by Harold Bessell, PH.D. I found it to be a kind of rule book on what makes for a successful romantic relationship. Bessell identifies two basic attributes romantic attraction and emotional maturity as key factors in successful relationships.
If both partners have romantic attraction and emotional maturity then there is a high likelihood of success – both are attracted and both are emotionally mature – think Jane Austin’s Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. This is what we all want but is it what we get?
There are five other combinations from two very immature but romantically attracted to two very mature but not very attracted to each other – you can probably guess the outcome of these combinations.
The combination I see most often as a therapist and life coach is a couple where both are attracted to each other but one is emotionally immature in important ways. This is often hard to see right away – most people, especially those intelligent and aware enough to come to a therapist have developed ways to look and act mature. It’s an outside job – they look together from the outside. But emotional maturity is an inside job – you have to be mature inside yourself, where it counts, not simply look and act mature to the outside world.
Of course, a romantic relationship is where your emotional maturity or lack of it shows up in its most natural form. Most of us can keep a lid on our emotional immature responses at work and with friends but once we get home or relax with our significant other, the real us comes out. This is why you often hear people say, “After we were together for awhile he/she changed.” The person didn’t change, what they did was relax and become more who they really were all along. This is why companies usually have a 90 day probation period – it takes that long for someone to feel secure enough to stop faking it, if they are and show their true character.
The same is true in a relationship – you might not see that immature response for several weeks or months but if the person is immature it will come out sooner or later. If the real you is what you present to the world; an emotionally mature, psychologically whole person, then great – you will be able to deal with issues and conflicts that are a normal part of a close relationship with ease and confidence but if you have been faking it all day, then your spouse or significant other better watch out – they will getting the brunt of your immaturity somewhere along the line.
So what is emotional maturity? Daniel Goldman wrote a book called Emotional Intelligence – EQ for short, and in it he talks about the various ways people can react to the world. He says certain traits demonstrate emotional intelligence. Emotional maturity is much like emotional intelligence. People with high EQ or EM are likely to:
Know what they want and have the capacity to make it happen
They have high self-control and think before they act
They are self-reliant and have the ability to take responsibility for their actions
They have patience and are willing to delay gratification or wait for someone else to do something
They have the ability to sustain intimate relationships and establish positive connections with others
They are personally generous and have the desire to give and be there for others
They have personal integrity as well as law and order integrity
They have a sense of balance and equanimity in dealing with stress
They have strong personal boundaries and are not boundary invaders – they know where they end and other people begin
They can, and do persevere
They are decisive and can make decisions – they are not wishy-washy
They have humility and the ability to admit when they wrong
They are self-reflective and examine their life and make changes where needed – they own up to their mistakes but don’t brood about them
They are both self aware and aware of others
They are generally optimistic and positive about life
They are not whiners or blamers
So if you are having trouble in your romantic relationships you might want to check to see how many of the above attributes you have. Print this out and put a check mark by the ones that you feel you have and then on the back give an example from your current relationship or one you have had in the past. If you think you have this attribute but can’t think of an example, ask your significant other or a close friend to give you an example, if they can’t think of one either then my guess you are an EQ wannabe but are not there yet. For those that you feel you don't currently express well at all, these are the attributes that need attention. Beginning a program to address these will go along way in helping you become successful in romantic relationships.
If you find you are tempted to do this exercise by looking at your current or a past partner rather than yourself, resist this temptation. Here’s why – like attracts like – this is the law of attraction. What it means is that you will attract people to you at the same level of development that you are, so if you are attracting people who are not emotionally mature or your current partner falls into this category, then I suggest you first take a long hard look at yourself. The only person you can change is you. What is really great about this, however, is that once you begin to change the people around you do too, or they move away from you. So begin today to be more aware of yourself in terms of emotional maturity and see what happens…I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
By the way, if you are not romantically attracted to your partner or a potential one, the other aspect of a solid romatinc relationship, my advice is move on – life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t turn you on – romance is one of the spices of life, so hold out for that, you deserve it.
Blessings, Lorraine
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Being a Cheerleader More Important Than Being a Nurse
Everyone wants to feel like they have a soft place to land, as Dr. Phil has often pointed out, but a new study shows that it’s actually more important how your spouse, significant other or friend treats you when something good happens to you. It’s your triumphs that need the most support, not your bad times.
A study by Shelly L. Gable, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at UC Santa Barbara has found that the way you respond to your partner's good news may be more important than how you react to their disappointments. Couples who celebrated each other's happy events (like promotions or raises) reported greater satisfaction in their relationship and were less likely to break up than those who offered support only during rough times. This study was done on married couples but my own research shows that these concepts go across all relationship types from romantic couples to friends and colleagues.
This was a surprise to the researchers but not to me. What I find is that for most people it’s easy to give support to someone who is feeling bad or has recently sustained a troubling life event, but we’re not always as easy with our support for something positive. We give lip service to the positive but we really get into being there for the bad times. Most of us prefer to be a nurse rather than a cheerleader.
We have a natural response to pain in another person. We feel compassion, sympathy and a desire to make it better. I call it the “Poor baby” response. If you are sick people want to help you get better, they will make suggestions for over the counter remedies or ask you if you've gone to the doctor. If it’s some other misfortune or problem, the same kind of sympathetic response is usually forthcoming. Now of course if you are a constant complainer who tries to elicit the “Poor baby” response too often then you will begin to be either ignored or avoided.
What Gable and her colleagues found however was that it was the response to a individuals positive events such as a raise, a promotion, a new opportunity, or even a compliment that created the glue to keep a relationship alive and harmonious or when this didn’t happen an insidious poison that could eventually destroy the desire to be in that relationship. Gable and her researchers found that there were four different styles to how a significant other responds to your good news.
Passive-Destructive responses are ones where you get no response or the person changes the subject and begins talking about something else.
Active-Destructive – In this response you get an obvious negative response. For example you come home from work and tell you spouse or best friend that you have this opportunity for a promotion or you were asked to do a presentation for an upcoming conference and the response is “Are you sure you want to do that – that’s sounds like a lot or responsibility.” Or “That sounds scary, don’t you hate public speaking?”
Passive-Constructive responses fall into the category of sounding as if they are giving a positive response – I call this category the “That’s Nice, Dear” response. It’s not actively negative, but it’s not great either.
Active-Constructive responses are the ones that feel the best – this is where your partner or friend says, “That’s great! I knew you could do it.” Or they say “I think you’ll do a terrific job, let’s go out and celebrate.”
The finding that praise boosted a relationship more than a sympathetic response to bad news surprised Gable—as did the results concerning passive support, like smiling vaguely, saying, 'Great,' and returning to your newspaper. 'We assumed when we started this research that passive support would be good—not as good as active-constructive, but certainly not bad,' she says. But time and time again, Gable's team saw that passive responses negatively affected relationship satisfaction.
The passive constructive response is a veiled way of discounting the partner or friend and keeping them in the same place as you without active discounting. It’s subtle and insidious. The reason people do this is complex but the most obvious one is they don’t want you to change or grow away from them. Good news is often the message that change is in the offing. If my spouse or friend gets promoted what does that mean for the relationship? If they are recognized in some way, how will this new experience affect our friendship? Good news for one may seem like bad news to the other. I tell people if they feel this it's time to take stock.
First - what I suggest that people look at their own response to their spouse, significant other or friend when something good happens to them. How do you feel when they come in and tell you about something great that has happened to them? Check in with yourself and see if you experience any fear or concern about how this will affect the relationship you have with this person.
Second - if you do experience a sense of fear or concern, check that feeling at the door and look at it later. If you value this relationship, then in the moment, it is important to be there for them by being their cheerleader and having a little pep rally for them. Get up, give them a hug, tell them how proud you are – just make sure to do something that shows your support and belief in them.
Third - if you can’t do this then it’s time to take stock of the relationship and yourself and ask some questions. If you have fear that this will upset the relationship in some way, then by all means talk to them about this – we all have an obligation to be honest with the people in our lives. If it’s more about you and your own concerns with accomplishment and self esteem then begin a process to deal with this – on your own.
Happy, successful, fulfilling relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic have one thing in common – they are between people who are psychologically healthy. They want the best for the other and act as the cheering section for each other’s growth and development. It’s the support we give each other to grow and become our best selves that is the juice that makes a relationship meaningful. Without this crucial attitude we risk not only holding our friends and partners back but limiting our own self development in the process.
So if have trouble letting your significant other, partner or friend be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous then maybe it’s time to take a long hard look at yourself and ask the question “Why not?”
A study by Shelly L. Gable, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at UC Santa Barbara has found that the way you respond to your partner's good news may be more important than how you react to their disappointments. Couples who celebrated each other's happy events (like promotions or raises) reported greater satisfaction in their relationship and were less likely to break up than those who offered support only during rough times. This study was done on married couples but my own research shows that these concepts go across all relationship types from romantic couples to friends and colleagues.
This was a surprise to the researchers but not to me. What I find is that for most people it’s easy to give support to someone who is feeling bad or has recently sustained a troubling life event, but we’re not always as easy with our support for something positive. We give lip service to the positive but we really get into being there for the bad times. Most of us prefer to be a nurse rather than a cheerleader.
We have a natural response to pain in another person. We feel compassion, sympathy and a desire to make it better. I call it the “Poor baby” response. If you are sick people want to help you get better, they will make suggestions for over the counter remedies or ask you if you've gone to the doctor. If it’s some other misfortune or problem, the same kind of sympathetic response is usually forthcoming. Now of course if you are a constant complainer who tries to elicit the “Poor baby” response too often then you will begin to be either ignored or avoided.
What Gable and her colleagues found however was that it was the response to a individuals positive events such as a raise, a promotion, a new opportunity, or even a compliment that created the glue to keep a relationship alive and harmonious or when this didn’t happen an insidious poison that could eventually destroy the desire to be in that relationship. Gable and her researchers found that there were four different styles to how a significant other responds to your good news.
Passive-Destructive responses are ones where you get no response or the person changes the subject and begins talking about something else.
Active-Destructive – In this response you get an obvious negative response. For example you come home from work and tell you spouse or best friend that you have this opportunity for a promotion or you were asked to do a presentation for an upcoming conference and the response is “Are you sure you want to do that – that’s sounds like a lot or responsibility.” Or “That sounds scary, don’t you hate public speaking?”
Passive-Constructive responses fall into the category of sounding as if they are giving a positive response – I call this category the “That’s Nice, Dear” response. It’s not actively negative, but it’s not great either.
Active-Constructive responses are the ones that feel the best – this is where your partner or friend says, “That’s great! I knew you could do it.” Or they say “I think you’ll do a terrific job, let’s go out and celebrate.”
The finding that praise boosted a relationship more than a sympathetic response to bad news surprised Gable—as did the results concerning passive support, like smiling vaguely, saying, 'Great,' and returning to your newspaper. 'We assumed when we started this research that passive support would be good—not as good as active-constructive, but certainly not bad,' she says. But time and time again, Gable's team saw that passive responses negatively affected relationship satisfaction.
The passive constructive response is a veiled way of discounting the partner or friend and keeping them in the same place as you without active discounting. It’s subtle and insidious. The reason people do this is complex but the most obvious one is they don’t want you to change or grow away from them. Good news is often the message that change is in the offing. If my spouse or friend gets promoted what does that mean for the relationship? If they are recognized in some way, how will this new experience affect our friendship? Good news for one may seem like bad news to the other. I tell people if they feel this it's time to take stock.
First - what I suggest that people look at their own response to their spouse, significant other or friend when something good happens to them. How do you feel when they come in and tell you about something great that has happened to them? Check in with yourself and see if you experience any fear or concern about how this will affect the relationship you have with this person.
Second - if you do experience a sense of fear or concern, check that feeling at the door and look at it later. If you value this relationship, then in the moment, it is important to be there for them by being their cheerleader and having a little pep rally for them. Get up, give them a hug, tell them how proud you are – just make sure to do something that shows your support and belief in them.
Third - if you can’t do this then it’s time to take stock of the relationship and yourself and ask some questions. If you have fear that this will upset the relationship in some way, then by all means talk to them about this – we all have an obligation to be honest with the people in our lives. If it’s more about you and your own concerns with accomplishment and self esteem then begin a process to deal with this – on your own.
Happy, successful, fulfilling relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic have one thing in common – they are between people who are psychologically healthy. They want the best for the other and act as the cheering section for each other’s growth and development. It’s the support we give each other to grow and become our best selves that is the juice that makes a relationship meaningful. Without this crucial attitude we risk not only holding our friends and partners back but limiting our own self development in the process.
So if have trouble letting your significant other, partner or friend be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous then maybe it’s time to take a long hard look at yourself and ask the question “Why not?”
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